NAUTICAL HUMOR
(A "hull" of a lot of prop-stoppin' laughs!)
(A "hull" of a lot of prop-stoppin' laughs!)
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The 2 best days of a man's life...
The first is... the day he buys his boat.
The second is... the day he sells it.
Submitted by G. Gutohrlein of Pinecrest, Florida
OLD BOATERS NEVER DIE,
THEY JUST GET A LITTLE DINGHY!
BOAT... as an acronym...
B.O.A.T. - Break Out Another Thousand
Statements you'll never hear at a boat show...
1. "It’s free."
2. "This one here is known as the Yugo of boats."
3. "Sure, hop on. Feel free to push all the buttons."
4. "Maybe you should look at something a little less expensive. We wouldn’t want you to over-extend yourself."
5. "How the hell should I know how the jet ski turns? I only sell ‘em, you’d never actually catch me on the back of one of these suicide-sleds."
6. "Of course it’s uncomfortable. ALL boat beds are uncomfortable."
7. "Don’t sign anything now. First go home and discuss it with your wife."
8. "Why don’t you have your four kids hop in and have a look around?"
9. "Sir, after seeing you and your wife, I’d like to recommend the trim-tab option."
10. "The truth is... they ALL break down constantly."
11. "If you’re buying a boat hoping to get yourself a date, trust me, you haven’t got enough money."
12. "This little honey was named ‘Boat of the Year’ by the National Towing Association."
13. "Actually, they depreciate very rapidly. The reason they’re marked so high is so that I can get my commission."
14. "I once saw a kid bounce out of one of these and fly a full sixty feet."
15. "Sure it’s ugly, but so was the Mayflower."
A Boater's Blessing
... from Days of Yore
May there always be water under your boat,
May she always be seaworthy and ever afloat,
May your bilge pump be certain to work all night and all day,
May your compass and charts always show the safe way,
May you find gentle harbor as every day ends,
May you lower your anchor amidst peace and good friends.
A Boater's Blessing
...Nowadays
May your outdrive be saved after hitting that rock,
May your bow be rebuilt after ramming your dock,
May you find your new watch that fell overboard,
May your neighbor quit stealing your slip's power cord,
May Lysol mask the musty smell under your berth,
May you someday owe less than the damn boat is worth.
Well-equipped...
Joe, tired from fishing all morning, decided to take a break and went in for a nap. Knowing he'd be going back out afterwards, he left all his fishing equipment in the boat. His wife, Jane, took the boat out onto the lake and, once in the middle, sat quietly reading a book.
About half an hour later, a marine patrol officer pulled alongside in his motorboat and said to Jane, "I'm sorry ma'am, but you're in a restricted fishing area."
"But I'm not fishing," Jane objected. "I'm just reading a book!"
"Maybe so, but you have all the necessary equipment," responded the marine patrol officer. "I'm going to have to write you a ticket."
"Fine," said Jane, "but I'll be charging you with sexual assault!"
"What?" snapped the outraged marine patrol officer. "I haven't touched you!"
"Maybe so," replied Jane, "but you have all the necessary equipment."
Good news, bad news...
A Roman galleon’s slave driver looked down at the galley slaves as they struggled with the enormous oars of the ship and bellowed, "I have some good news and some bad news."
"The good news is that you all will receive double rations tonight and tomorrow morning!"
The surprised (and hungry) slaves immediately began cheering, but their shouts were interrupted by the slave driver... "The bad news is that right after breakfast the emperor wants to go water-skiing!"
(338 KB MPE)
Clothes make the man...
Long ago there lived a seaman named Captain Bravo, a manly man who showed no fear when facing his enemies.
One day, while sailing the seas, the lookout yelled from the crow's nest that he had spotted a pirate ship. As the crew began to panic, Captain Bravo roared, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly brought the red shirt to Captain Bravo. After donning the red shirt, Captain Bravo led his men into battle and they soundly defeated the pirates.
Later on that same day, the lookout spotted not one, but TWO pirate ships and yelled a battle alarm to the crew below! Captain Bravo again roared, "Bring me my red shirt!" Once again, though the battle was fierce, he and his crew were victorious!
That evening, as the men sat on deck recounting the day’s triumphs, the first mate asked Captain Bravo, "Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before beginning to do battle?"
Captain Bravo replied, "If I am ever wounded in battle, the red shirt will prevent my blood from showing and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."
The men sat in silence, marveling at the courage of their Captain Bravo.
The next morning, just as dawn was breaking, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but EIGHT pirate ships approaching from the far horizon! Upon bellowing this information to the crew, every single man turned to look at Captain Bravo, waiting for his usual pre-battle command.
Without hesitation, Captain Bravo turned to his first mate and roared, "BRING ME MY BROWN PANTS!"
I tried...
A man in a sailboat is adrift on the ocean when, suddenly, a fierce storm comes up. A man in a powerboat pulls up alongside the man and offers to tow him to safety. The man responds, "I am a devout man. I know that God will save me - you go ahead into shore." With this, the man in the powerboat roars away.
The storm gets worse. A Coast Guard patrol boat pulls up alongside the sailboat and offers to tow the man to safety. The man again responds, "I am a devout man. I know that God will save me - you go ahead into shore." With this, the Coast Guard leaves the man, his sailboat bobbing in the increasingly rough water.
The storm is really wild now - waves are splashing over the sailboat. A helicopter comes out of the sky, hovers over the sailboat, and a ladder drops down to the man. He waves them off, yelling to be heard over the roar of the wind, "I am a devout man. I know that God will save me!" With this, the helicopter flies away.
The storm rages out of control... the sailboat is overturned... the man is swept off the boat and drowns.
Being such a devout man, he immediately goes up to heaven.
Upon seeing God, the man says to Him, "I worshipped You all my life and I devoted my life to serving You, yet You didn’t save me from the storm! WHY??"
God replied, "My son, though you were a devout man, you were pretty darned stupid! I tried to save you!
I sent a powerboat, I sent the Coast Guard, I sent a helicopter..."
The following is, purportedly, the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation between a United States' naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
Canadians:Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, YOU divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse, sir. Your call.
Don't ask if you don't want to know...
A Coast Guard cutter tuned in to a faint distress signal from a sinking pleasure craft.
"What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?" shouted the Coast Guard radio operator into the microphone. The assembled crew waited to hear a response.
Finally a faint reply crackled over the static: "Uh, I'm the executive vice president of First Global Bank. Can you please hurry?"
How low can you go?
One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world at a depth of about 20 feet. He turned and noticed a guy at the same depth but this guy had on no SCUBA gear! The diver went below another 20 feet... and the other guy joined him. The diver went below 25 feet more, and once again, the guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out his water-proof board and marker, and wrote, "How are you able to stay under this deep without any equipment?"
The other guy grabbed the board, quickly erased what the diver had written, and wrote,
"I'M DROWNING, YOU IDIOT!"
Incoming!
Looking out his window, Paul saw a man lying motionless on his dock. Running to the man's aid, he noticed two broken water skis on the dock. As he drew closer he noticed the man had abrasions, cuts, and scrapes all over his body. In addition, one leg was twisted in a way that indicated that it was certainly broken. Paul kneeled next to the man and asked, "What happened?"
The skier replied, "I don't know... I just got here myself!"
Gone fishin'
On a Friday afternoon a man calls home from the office and says to his wife, "Honey, the boss just asked me to go fishing for the week-end at a big lake up in Canada. This might help me get that promotion I've been wanting. So would you please pack enough clothes for me for a week and set out my rod and my tackle box? We're leaving right from the office, but I'll swing by the house to pick up my things. Oh! And, would you please pack my blue silk pajamas?"
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but being a good wife she does exactly as her husband asks.
Late Sunday night "hubby" comes home... and he's really tired.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he and his boss caught many fish.
"Oh, yes", he answers. "Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But, um, why didn't you pack my silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies, "Oh, but I did, sweetheart... they were in your tacklebox!"
Supposedly true...
During the summer of 1999, on Lake Isabella (about an hour east of Bakersfield, California) some folks, new to boating, were having a problem with their brand new 22-foot Bayliner. It wouldn't plane at all and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted over to a nearby marine, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to have a look underneath.
He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
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